Newsletter Archive
Don't Get Me Wrong - March 20, 2007
Have you ever left a conversation wondering why it was so hard to connect?
Communication walls go up for a number of reasons. A key reason we often overlook is our difference in communication style. And a key difference within that broad category is indirect vs. direct communication.
Direct communicators get to the point quickly. They can be abrupt. They often use more detached language (e.g., “I think” rather than “I feel”). They put more emphasis on the spoken word than on the body language cues that accompany it.
Indirect communicators do the opposite. They are more apt to qualify remarks. They rely more on body language and words that describe feelings.
Which is better? Ask a direct communicator, and you’ll hear, “A direct style, of course.” Indirect communicators are more comfortable dealing with other indirect communicators as a rule. Neither style is right or wrong. They are both, however, different from the other. This can create barriers, because it is our tendency to think our own style is right and the other person’s wrong.
For instance, direct communicators often wonder if indirect communicators have a strong opinion. The latter may be viewed as “wishy-washy.” Indirect communicators may decide direct communicators are rude or arrogant. The latter may appear bossy or uncaring.
While there are exceptions, direct communicators are more apt to enjoy debating an issue. For them conflict can lead to a positive outcome. Indirect communicators more often back away from confrontation or hard issues debating. For them such encounters have relationship destroying potential.
How can we bridge the difference? The basic rule for communicating effectively is to move toward the other person’s style when communicating.
If you are a direct communicator interacting with an indirect communicator, focus on using diplomatic and feeling-based language. Pay attention to nonverbal cues, and offer your own (e.g., eye contact, smiles, head nods). Encourage the other person to fully express his or her views. Resist the temptation to assume the other person is manipulative or uncertain.
If you are an indirect communicator interacting with someone who is more direct, get to the point. Be willing to defend your views. Understand that conflict can lead to a positive outcome. It need not be a relationship destroyer. Resist the temptation to assume the other person is intentionally rude or is discounting your ideas.
This notion of direct and indirect is relative. Each of us can find people who are more or less direct in style than we are. Geography and cultural heritage influence our style, as does our psychological type makeup. People from large, East-coast cities are usually more direct than people in the Midwest, for example.
Regardless of our style as compared with the other person’s, we have a common goal: effective communication. When we make an effort to bridge the gap, we increase the likelihood of meeting that goal.
How Have Our Clients Used This Information?
A senior executive realized his direct communication style sometimes kept his largely indirect workforce from giving him their best ideas. He adopted a more open, encouraging style when interacting with his staff. They came to view him as more receptive to their suggestions.
A junior executive with an indirect communication style developed a proposal for presentation to her more direct style supervisor. She came to the meeting prepared to defend her views. She anticipated challenging questions, and researched answers in advance of the meeting. Her supervisor respected this approach, which more closely matched the supervisor’s own style.
Does your workplace suffer communication-based conflict?
We can help. Contact Nan by email at: Nan@ValentineCoaching.com. Or call (515) 253-0646.